Questioning Your Submission
Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?
One of the things that has made me question whether submission is right for me is the seemingly expected promiscuity is the community. To me, my monogamy is something that I expect from myself. To be expected to give myself to another person while in a relationship is something that i could not wrap my head around. Do I expect my partner to be monogamous? Absolutely not. But for me to be expected to have sex with another man as a result of an order given is something that I find distasteful. The thought almost made me decide to walk away from this wonderful thing that I find in submission. Do I believe that others should be given the option in their relationship? Yes I do. But it is not something that I could do and I have asked that it not be asked of me.
I doubt my submission every day. It can be something as small as me talking back or thinking that I know better. Being an intelligent dominant woman in the public world makes me have doubts even more; maybe even an occupational hazard. I do a lot of thinking while I drive to and from places. The quiet silence creates a bubble that sometimes leads to no good.
The other day I was driving home from work. It had been a great week. Everything had fallen perfectly into place and people were obeying the orders that I had given. It crossed my mind, “I would be a great domme. I could run the household and the bedroom. Maybe I need to take over and things will run smoother. If I let my sex drive run the show, we both would be more satisfied. ”
“I was always in control in my previous relationships maybe this submission is just a blurp on the map. I made the rules in the house and in the bedroom. But was I happy, truly happy. Not One BIT.”
It was only a moment but I felt horrible. That afternoon I sent an apology text. Not for anything that I had done but the thoughts that had crossed my mind. I need to remember my place. It is not running things or deciding on plans. It is His place to decide when I can spend time with him. It was a new revelation to me. I do have the ability to lead and lead well but it is not my place in this relationship and it makes my gift of submission even better.
Master and I are sexually monogamous. I am completely monogamous by his choice but he can SM play with others. I guess you could say that we are fluid bonded so anything that is an exchange in fluids is a no-go. Not everyone in the community shares or is expected to swing. At least in my experience.
As I have grown in my knowledge, I have come to know that not everyone is sexually promiscuous. It was an illusion that the outside world receives especially from a few stories in the dating world. Its one of the things that my opinion has definitely changed since i have started on this journey.
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