During my web browsing, I found this article.  So many times we think that we need to nuture our relationships in some special sacred way because we are in a Dominant/submissive relationship.  In truth, the things that we need are the same things any human being needs to have a long lasting sucessful relationship. The submissive inside us needs the same thing that our Dominant needs to feel happy.  This article is based from the submissive point of view but I think that you will find that if we as subbies offer the same to our Dominant they will develop into the strong Dominant that they were destined to be…… Enjoy

What Do I Need From My Dominant?
by Jade Richardson
1997
Post as you please, but
please keep it together.

This page was originally started to be a
guideline for submissives but in retrospect I think it may better serve the
Dominants who may happen to land here. Perhaps it may provide some insight to
both sides of the equation.

I Want vs. I Need
We often confuse these two things: I want and I need. Although they may seem to be the same at
first glance, there is a huge difference in the two. We want a lot of things in
life; money, new cars, a beautiful home, success, and hot fudge sundaes, just to
name a few, but how many of them do we really need? Very often the things we
want are not always things that are the best for us and are usually
self-indulgent wishes that change as fast as the top ten hits on VH1. “Needs”
are a different situation. They are the fundamentals we require to remain
mentally and physically healthy and allow us to grow spiritually and
emotionally. I may really want a hot fudge sundae but survive quite well without
it (I know that’s hard to believe for any of you who know me.) but I cannot
thrive without my basic needs being met.

We’ve had many encounters with unhappy submissives who bemoan the
fact their Dominant does not give them what they need. As we listen to the list
of complaints we sometimes find a lot of “wants” mixed in with a few valid
“needs” in the charges against their Dominant. Sorting them out isn’t always
easy for either the submissive or Dominant in a relationship. Each person is
unique and comes with their own special requirements. Without a doubt, this is
one area that requires communication skills and time before either party can
confidently determine what they want or need from the other. The Submissive
Owner’s Manual may help you to understand some of the complexities of the
Dominant/submissive relationship.

Submissive Owner’s Manual

I need to feel safe. Before I can begin to open my submissive nature to You I need to feel
safe and have reason to trust You. To let down my walls and give You control of
my will may take time and testing before I feel safe enough to permit either of
us to go beyond the initial stages of our relationship. Even after I’ve given
myself to You fully, I need to be reminded I am safe with You. I may like to
feel the thrill and excitement of fear and the unknown, but I need to be sure no
matter how You stimulate those emotions during an intense scene or situation, I
will remain safe in Your care.

I need to know You accept me for all I am . I will be many things
to You as our relationship grows and I need to know You accept me as a person
during each transition along the way. I need to know You accept me as a friend,
lover, companion, and Your submissive but also accept me as parent, child,
employee, community member or other roles I fill in my obligations to family or
society.

I need to have clearly defined limits . I need to know exactly
what You expect of me and know that You also understand my limits. In some ways
I am like a child that needs a fence around my play area so I know how far I can
go and feel secure inside those limits. I need You to reinforce those fences by
correcting me when I try to climb them without Your approval.

I need You to be consistent. I need to know You mean what You say
and that today’s rules will apply to tomorrow’s behaviour. Nothing confuses me
more than giving me mixed signals by allowing me to break rules that You’ve
given me. From time to time I may test You to see if You are capable of
accepting control of my life by consistently bringing me back to the path You’ve
chosen for me. It’s not done to try Your patience but is my way of finding
reassurance You are paying attention to my progress. Very often it’s not done
consciously and I promise I’ll not use it as a method for provoking Your
negative responses.

I need to expand my limits . I need to grow and to be challenged.
Left on my own, I’ll become bored or stagnate within the boundaries I accepted
in the beginning. I need to be pushed, but never shoved, to go beyond the places
I’ve been. I may drag my feet and pout at times, or sit down and refuse to move
because I’m unsure and need Your guidance in overcoming my obstacles. I depend
on You for strength and encouragement to get beyond them.

I need You to teach me . I need to learn and it is You who are my
teacher. My mind is hungry for new things and learning helps me to become all
that I can be. This may require You to continue to learn new things in order to
keep me challenged. Together we can grow to the fullness of the gifts we have
and deepen the diversity we share.

I need goals. Part of my make-up as a submissive makes me very
goal-oriented. I need them to measure my progress and need You to provide them
for me. Take time to explain those goals in ways I can comprehend Your plans
concerning my growth as Your submissive. Without Your direction I quickly become
lost so I’ll look to You frequently to provide a purpose and aim as I continue
in my development as a submissive.

I need to be corrected . I need You to correct me when I make
mistakes. Without Your correction I will develop bad habits that can be very
difficult to break and do great damage to our relationship and to us as
individuals. Without Your correction, I may never know I’ve made a mistake.
Allowing me to continue unchecked will only cause me to fail both of us in the
end. I admire firmness in Your correction and feel secure in knowing that You
will never be afraid to take steps needed in keeping me focused on the goals
You’ve set for me.

I need You to be my role-model . I look up to You and try to
follow in Your footsteps. If You fail to live up to a standard, I will follow
You into failure, often without You noticing until it is too late. I learn
quickly by the examples You provide for me and often base my reactions and
behaviours on my observations of You in similar situations. I will blindly
pattern myself in Your image so be aware that my eyes will always be on You as
face Your own challenges and daily activities.

I need Your approval and reassurance . I need to know when You
approve of me or what I’ve done and to know I belong to You even if I fall short
of my goals. I sometimes confuse approval with disapproval when You do not
provide positive reinforcement when You are pleased by my actions. I will
constantly be seeking Your approval when I’m unsure of myself and may need to
rely deeply on Your support and reassurance when I’m confused about a situation
or apprehensive about a new challenge.

I need to be able to express myself. I have a need to express both
good and bad things to You but it may be difficult for me to put the negative
things into words. I fear Your rejection and hate disappointing You, so I may
need a little space and time to voice all the things I need to say. You can help
me by reassuring me that my feelings are valid, even if they aren’t something
You find pleasure in hearing. There may be times when I’m upset or angry with
You but without freedom to express those feelings there can be
only festering resentment or misunderstanding. Guide me in ways that I can learn to speak my
heart without breaking it or Yours.

I need to learn from my mistakes. I need to experience things that
may be painful in order to learn successfully. I know Your protective nature
will struggle with allowing me to be hurt but I need to learn the consequences
of what I’ve done and to experience the feelings that go along with making
mistakes. I will need Your comfort once I’ve faced my failure but will sometimes
feel unworthy of asking or unable to voice my disappointment in failing. Allow
me to sort out my feelings before wiping away my tears.

I need forgiveness when I fail You . Nothing hurts me more than to
know I’ve failed or displeased You and I need to be forgiven once I’ve made
amends. It is very hard for me to forgive myself for a wrong-doing and I may
need Your help in getting beyond the feelings of remorse I am carrying. I may
even need to be punished, if my wrong-doing was traumatic enough, in order to
feel closure and accept forgiveness. I depend on You to make that determination
for me and need Your help in making an atonement that is acceptable to You.

I need to feel I contribute. I have a deep-set need to give and
must have outlets for this need. My basic nature is to give of myself and You
will be the primary recipient of my gifts. Allow me to contribute to our
relationship and our life together. To do less will leave me unfulfilled and
unneeded, a fate worse than death for me. Provide me with ways to contribute
things to others, also. I may need to give of myself to those I hold dear but
You will always receive the best I have to offer.

I need to enjoy successes. Without experiencing and enjoying my
successes I may give up my fight to be all You desire for me. Allow me the
pleasure of savouring the taste of victory when I overcome an obstacle or if You
find pride in my attempts. All of my successes belong to You and I need to share
their rewards with You. I don’t expect You to spoil me with grand displays for
little victories, but when I’ve reached beyond the limits of my past attempts,
please don’t deny me the sweet feelings of knowing I’ve achieved a goal You’ve
set.

I need to share with You. Sharing with You is a compelling need
and one of the cornerstones of my submissive nature. This includes the emotional
and spiritual aspects of my being as well as the physical body I inhabit. It may
be difficult for me to give You access to the deeper levels of my emotions and
feelings but those are the things I need to share the most. I’ll depend on You
to direct me in ways I can achieve total openness with You. I also need to share
in the things You are. Trust me enough to share in Your fears, failures and
struggles. I’ll never see You as weak or incapable because You have shown
confidence in me by giving part of Yourself in trust.

I need to feel loved, respected, and protected in Your
ownership . No matter how well I’ve done or how miserably I’ve failed, I need to
know I’m still loved and protected by You. Nothing will prevent me from trying
new things like fear of losing Your respect and love. By the reverse, nothing
will encourage me to expand my limits and grow to be all I am capable of being
more than knowing You will be there to protect me from harm and will love me
even if I fall short of the target. I need to be loved and to love You in
return. I can’t survive without it.